Dilbert-type managers. (The Business World)

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that needed only corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

(CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
“How About Friday?”
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, “That would be better for me.”

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”

(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Speaking the Same Language:
As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word “pedagogical” circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)
This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavoringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!”

What Is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.  One of your friend’s approaches her, points at you says,  “He’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,  “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.

Last Day On The Job

It was George the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where the obvious happened.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said,
“Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you; He said, ‘Screw him, give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Statistics

Sir Josiah Stamp who was head of Britain’s Inland Revenue Department from 1896-1919 said:
“The government are very keen on amassing statistics. They collect them, add them, raise them to the nth power, take the cube root and prepare wonderful diagrams.
But you must never forget that every one of these figures comes in the first instance from the village watchman, who just puts down what ever he damn pleases.”

Qantas

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
“I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that
ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was…well, good. “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over creations. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning….

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’ he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, ‘For Goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. ‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water… ‘And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once…. ‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

Some Days Aren’t Worth Getting Out Of Bed

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring Cut off from his willy.

According to the attending Nurse, the girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring Got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !

The Amazing Cucumber

This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part of their “Spotlight on the Home” series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber.  Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower?  Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?  Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long.  The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.
5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite.  Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free.  Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge?  Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don’t have enough time to polish your shoes?  Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge?  Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don’t have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa?  Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don’t have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a ‘green’ way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?  Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won’t leave streaks and won’t harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Adam and Eve

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?” The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’, Lord?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”

Adams Deal

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy”
“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,”, replies the heavenly voice.
“Sounds great.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”
Adam replies.”She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye and an ear.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam says to God, “What can I get for a rib?”

Life

On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.” So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “How boring. Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years?! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back…that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Clinton’s Speech

This is the speech Bill Maher thought the President should have given:

My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing – explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.
Did this really happen?
Did I really work my ass of my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?
I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era? Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology? I don’t think so.
But I’ll tell you what I am sorry about – I’m sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn’t better. I ain’t Marv Albert over here, all right? And while we’re at it, let’s cut out this crap about this not being about sex. If I hear that one more time, there’s going to be a stain on somebody’s clothes and it’s gonna be blood.
Look, I’m sorry Ken Starr can’t get laid. I’m sorry wives don’t like giving oral sex. I’m sorry I’m a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some action and release in what some might consider a high-stress job. And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis. Oh, I forgot, it’s not about sex. Yeah, right, it’s about lying. Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behaviour, you will create perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn’t lied about doing a fat chick? If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only source of political legitimacy?
And so, as I go on to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want. You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here it is.
She was FANTASTIC.
Thank you and goodnight.

Morning funny

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
“Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “Let’s relive some old times.”
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

Revenge at its finest!

For anyone who feels they’ve been invited to too many weddings lately have a laugh. This is actually true.
It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show.
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each envelope was an 8×10 photo of his best man having sex…with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F**K you!” He turned to his bride and said, “F**K you!” Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m out of here!”
He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
1) Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all…
3) Trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard “Priceless” commercials out of this? Huh?
              Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests — $32,000
              Photographers for the wedding — $3,000
              Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks — $8,500
              The look on everyone’s faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex-Priceless!!!

A Letter from Michael Moore

A Letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush on the Eve of War

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC

Dear President Bush:

So today is what you call “the moment of truth,” the day that “France and the rest of world have to show their cards on the table.” I’m glad to hear that this day has finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn’t sure if I could take much more. So I’m glad to hear that today is Truth Day, ’cause I got a few truths I would like to share with you:

1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio nutters and Fox News aside) who is gung-ho to go to war. Trust me on this one. Walk out of the White House and on to any street in America and try to find five people who are PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis. 
YOU WON’T FIND THEM! Why?
‘Cause NO Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us! No Iraqi has even threatened to do that. You see, this is how we average Americans think: If a certain so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our lives, then, believe it or not, we don’t want to kill him! Funny how that works!

2. The majority of Americans — the ones who never elected you — are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction. We know what the real issues are that affect our daily lives — and none of them begin with I or end in Q. Here’s what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost since you took office, the stock market having become a cruel joke, no one knowing if their retirement funds are going to be there, gas now costs almost two dollars — the list goes on and on. Bombing Iraq will not make any of this go away. Only you need to go away for things to improve.

3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to suck to lose a popularity contest with Saddam Hussein? The whole world is against you, Mr. Bush. Count your fellow Americans among them.

4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN. The Pope! But even worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come out against you! How bad does it have to get before you realize that you are an army of one on this war? Of course, this is a war you personally won’t have to fight. Just like when you went AWOL while the poor were shipped to Vietnam in your place.

5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let’s see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort. What’s that you say? You don’t THINK so? Well, hey, guess what — we don’t think so either!

6. Finally, we love France. Yes, they have pulled some royal screw-ups. Yes, some of them can be pretty damn annoying. But have you forgotten we wouldn’t even have this country known as America if it weren’t for the French? That it was their help in the Revolutionary War that won it for us? That our greatest thinkers and founding fathers — Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, etc. — spent many years in Paris where they refined the concepts that lead to our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution? That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a Frenchman who built the Chevrolet, and a pair of French brothers who invented the movies? And now they are doing what only a good friend can do — tell you the truth about yourself, straight, no b.s. Quit pissing on the French and thank them for getting it right for once. You know, you really should have traveled more (like once) before you took over. Your ignorance of the world has not only made you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you can’t get out of.

Well, cheer up — there IS good news. If you do go through with this war, more than likely it will be over soon because I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of Iraqis willing to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein. After you “win” the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the popularity polls as everyone loves a winner — and who doesn’t like to see a good ass-whoopin’ every now and then (especially when it ‘s some third world ass!). So try your best to ride this victory all the way to next year’s election. Of course, that’s still a long ways away, so we’ll all get to have a good hardy-har-har while we watch the economy sink even further down the toilet!

But, hey, who knows — maybe you’ll find Osama a few days before the election! See, start thinking like THAT! Keep hope alive! Kill Iraqis — they got our oil!!
Yours,

Michael Moore

Things I learned from children…

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A.A.A.D.D. – I have it!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.  
 So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.
 I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.
I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
 I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.  
 Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.  
At the end of the day, the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered,  there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I  can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
  Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll  check my e-mail.   
 Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

SPAGHETTI?

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
 She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby is born. To keep it  discreet, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

Why Did The Chicken .

For those of you with an interest in international affairs and the humanities, Alan Collingridge offers the results of a few opinions- – -

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. Is the chicken part of the axis of evil or not?

JACQUES CHIRAC
The chicken has rights, mais oui? We care not whether the chicken crosses the road since we will claim her eggs regardless of on which side of the road she laysthem, n’est pas? Should les Americains succeed in seizing them, we shall insist on coqau vin!

TONY BLAIR
It is clear to Her Majesty’s government that the chicken has disguised and hidden her eggs, which, under extraordinary circumstances, particularly on All Hallow’s E’en, can certainly be used as weapons of mass destruction!

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly seethe satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don’t even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American!

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it –the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Bible

A very religious old lady returned to her home one afternoon to find a burglar in the act of robbing the place. Horrified, she remembered her favorite biblical quotation and shouted, “Stop! Acts 2:38″ (turn from your sin). The burglar froze in his tracks and she telephoned the police who came and arrested him.  
The police officer was puzzled. “Why did you stop when this helpless old lady ordered you to?” he asked.  “All she did was quote a verse out of the Bible.” 
“Bible?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38′s.”

This explains it all!!!

 Please read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:
 
 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.
 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.
 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.
 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
 
 The amazing conclusion:
 The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
 
 This may explain why women are taking over the corporate world.

POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLIDAY GREETING

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my/our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great ( not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere ), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal . It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others , and is void where prohibited by law , and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher . This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.